© Mary Beaird
11/02/1998

(Folk Song needing a tune)

A Teleport Pod is a marvellous thing that often goes awry
For many a Vulcan scientist, Seth Brundle and now I
I stand on the pad and shut my eyes, deep breath and count to ten
I reappear and people faint. Can I go home again?

An ad caught my attention, "We’ll pay you heaps of dough -
To see the world - no planes, no pain - just hop in the booth and go"
It seemed too good to miss until they smiled and shoved me in
I should have been suspicious when they asked for Next of Kin

A Teleport Pod is a marvellous thing that often goes awry
For many a Vulcan scientist, Seth Brundle and now I
I stand on the pad and shut my eyes, deep breath and count to ten
I reappear with feathers. Can I go home again?

I thought that everything was fine and then I heard a scream
My feet were borrowed from Pingu and my hair had turned bright green
I tried to ask what else was wrong and found my voice had stuck
On further investigation - I look like Ed the Duck!

A Teleport Pod is a marvellous thing that often goes awry
For many a Vulcan scientist, Seth Brundle and now I
I stand on the pad and shut my eyes, deep breath and count to ten
Now get me off of kids’ TV and send me home again!

They pulled some levers, twiddled some knobs and boy did I feel strange!
They wouldn’t give me a mirror - just said "things" were rearranged
I have stand on my head to sneeze, I smell with my left thumb
I can’t see for the wax in my ears and I’m talking through my bum (what’s new?)

A Teleport Pod is a marvellous thing that often goes awry
For many a Vulcan scientist, Seth Brundle and now I
I stand on the pad and shut my eyes, deep breath and count to ten
I reappear with my nose on my chin. Can I go home again?

I held my breath and braced myself and waited again to land
Just then their boss arrived and shook my hand.... my hand.... my hand
"Well done on being the first," he said, "and what’s your planet, kid?"
An easy mistake to make now that I’m Nemo's Giant Squid!

A Teleport Pod is a marvellous thing that often goes awry
For many a Vulcan scientist, Seth Brundle and now I
I stand on the pad and shut my eyes, deep breath and count to ten
I reappear with forty two legs. Can I go home again?

They say to take it in my stride(1)  and not to be so terse
It’s just a fluke, a minor glitch, but then I find it’s worse
I’m told it’s nothing personal, I shouldn’t take it to heart
But when I open my mouth to sing... and that’s all for this verse!(2) 

A Teleport Pod is a marvellous thing that often goes awry
For many a Vulcan scientist, Seth Brundle and now I
I stand on the pad and shut my eyes, deep breath and count to ten
Now please can I get out of the tank(3) and go back home again?!

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(1) 	A dramatic pause for the audience to groan might be good here...
(2) 	Or "All I do is fart" depending on (the intoxication levels of) the audience
(3) 	Or "fridge", whichever works better, or is the more surreal on the night.