...And a Pair of Val's Old Knickers. (1)
(Tune: "Do it Yourself" by Bill Sutton) (2)


We thought we'd build a brand new Nessie for the Scottish Con.
We thought of it at Easter when the time had all but gone.
But being fans of 'little brain' we thought, "So what? We're pissed. (3)
On much less preparation many budget cons subsist."

	ILM and Image, Stage and TV Shows
	Let you think FX and Costume-building's for the Pros.
	But when you look much closer, the logic never sticks,
	'Cause you can build a Nessie from the things you find at Wickes. (4)

So first we needed premises, and thanks to Mike and Cath.
We're sorry if we fibre-glassed your son and garden path
And commandeered your garage but you took it all so well.
Four nutters turn your happy home into a fan hotel!

	ILM and Image, Stage and TV Shows
	Let you think FX and Costume-building's for the Pros.
	But when you look much closer, the logic never sticks,
	'Cause you can build a Nessie from the things you find at Wickes.

We made the frame from washing line, pipe lagging bent to shape,
A toggle, empty Biro pen and lots of gaffa tape.
When folded it's a giant 'H' but once it's been unfurled
It looks just like we ate the biggest kipper in the world!

	ILM and Image, Stage and TV Shows
	Let you think FX and Costume-building's for the Pros.
	But when you look much closer, the logic never sticks,
	'Cause you can build a Nessie from the things you find at Wickes.

We needed fabric for the skin and calico was cheap.
We needed over ninety feet - the salesman lost some sleep.
The width was all in inches and they sold it by the metre.
To dye it all was judged by weight. (Does this sound like Blue Peter?)

	ILM and Image, Stage and TV Shows
	Let you think FX and Costume-building's for the Pros.
	But when you look much closer, the logic never sticks,
	'Cause you can build a Nessie from the things you find at Wickes.

To choose our backing music was really quite a chore.
It shouldn't be too fast or else we'd end up on the floor.
We haven't yet decided, and time is growing late.
We'll be marching to 'Remember You're a Womble'(5) at this rate!

	Danny Elfman, John Williams, James Horner, Maurice Jarre (6)
	Have astounding talent (though I'm not sure who they are).
	They make a fortune writing scores but still they're in the shade
	'Cause you can dance a Nessie to the Toytown Hit Parade

Our Nessie's legs were drafted from the folk we chanced to spot
And we pressed them into service if they wanted to or not.
Then got them sorted out by size and tagged numeric'lly.
We've taught them all to keep in step but still they cannot see.

	Tom Savini, Little John, Crazy George(7) and Co.
	Let you think to get it right you must be 'In The Know'.
	But when you look much closer then you see how wrong they are
	'Cause you can team your Nessie with the Winos at the Bar.

And now Our Nessie's finished and she's too big for the stage.
The Techies put down to drink and Gytha's in a rage.
The Judges shake their heads in woe and say we've gone to far,
But she's better than that crappy lion they had for Narnia!

	ILM and Image, Stage and TV Shows
	Let you think FX and Costume-building's for the Pros.
	But when you look much closer, the logic never sticks,
	'Cause you can build a Nessie from the things you find at Wickes.

And it's a minor miracle it didn't all go wrong,
But Nessie's lean and mean and green...

And Very Very Long!


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Notes for overseas and non-fannish readers

(1)	There is a long-running children's programme called Blue Peter (see verse 4).  They usually have a section
	of the programme where they demonstrate something or other for the children to make at home.  It nearly
	always involved a washing-up bottle, cereal boxes, sticky-backed plastic and wire coat-hangers.  Or, as was
	added in a comedy sketch 'a pair of Val's old knickers', 'Val' being Valerie Singleton, one of the
	presenters from the 1970s.
(2)	"Do It Yourself" by Bill Sutton is a very famous filk all about building a mainframe computer from 'the
	things you find at home'.  Building Nessie was a bit like that at times...
(3)	'Pissed' is slang for 'drunk' in the UK, not 'annoyed' as in the USA.
(4)	Wickes is a builders merchants / superstore.
(5)	An in-joke for Wombles fans.
(6)	I do know who they are really. Composers.
(7)	These three are famous make-up and special effects artists.

Nessie was the mascot for the 1995 Worldcon. Nessie #1 was a four person costume by James Steel that travelled to
various conventions in the run-up to advertise it.  She made her last appearance at the opening ceremony in Glasgow. 
Our Nessie (#2) was worn by 11 people, 16ft tall and 44ft long.  She took part in the masquerade and the closing
ceremony.  The most frightening thing about this song is that almost every word about how we made Nessie is true.
Almost. We didn't actually fibre-glass Mike and Cathy's son Peter.